CATHARSIS

Another attempt....

It’s been over a month now, but the grief has not gone. It lingers around like a small fly that tries to find ways to get back its most coveted sweet-meat. I come back from work and quickly pass by that tiny room which was planned with love and anticipation.

I called for her twice. It had become a habit, this. She would ridicule me for calling her name unconsciously so many times. I loved that infectious smile. I was missing it these days, terribly. I kept my laptop bag at the corner of my bed and walked towards the balcony. It was the balcony really that made us buy the house. We lived on the 16th floor and to be honest the world could not have been more picturesque from that balcony. We had spent almost a day and roamed around like nomads searching for that perfect swing for the balcony. We just sat there at nights talking about us and the people around. At times we just stared far away into spaces searching for images and struck unrealistic conversations, which were at times imbecile. At times we just caressed each other and ended up making love.

She sat there. Her lugs curled up and her hands folded around her legs. She was absolutely static, only to move once to fiddle with her hair and push it back behind her ears. She had not observed me nor did she sense me. I had been observing her for five minutes now. I could not even imagine what she might have been feeling all this while.

I went across and stood in front of her. I put my warm hands on her cheeks. My huge palm covering her entire cheek. She always loved it. This time though, just a wry smile acknowledging my presence.

"Did you eat?", she asked.

"Had a sandwich on my way back. I am pretty full. What about you Anjali? Please do not do this to yourself. You look famished." Such an oddity that. In the past few months she had always been eating that much extra to keep herself fit and fine.

"I am fine. Just not hungry. How was your day?"

"Hectic as usual. Calls and meetings galore. I may have to go to London next month. I want you to come along." Half way, I knew she had already turned a deaf ear. Lost again in her world, she was staring away at the sky, orange in colour, covered with grey clouds. It was as if the clouds were trying their best to cover up the mess made by the sun. The clouds moving about in all directions to cover up the patches of the orange sky.

As I stared deeper, I remembered the day when he had to leave for the conference to Los Angeles. It was my boss who had to go. He fell sick the last moment and I had to replace him as the company could not afford to lose the client. I still remember that morning when a blue taxi pulled in to pick me up. It was the last time I had seen her pregnant. I did not want to leave her. She waved and then immediately kept her hand on the womb as if telling the little one inside to wave as well.

The moment I landed I got a page saying things had gone wrong. I apologized to my boss and rushed back. It was the most awful journey of my life. I sobbed uncontrollably like a child.

She was just lying to a side. Her eyes said it all. She looked at me and cried hysterically and apologised. I just hugged her tightly grieving the loss. I felt sad for her. How much we had planned it. We had wanted it badly and quickly too. The doctors said that she had a weak uterus. The worst was yet to come. They warned that a pregnancy again would endanger both hers and the baby's life.

As I stood there, my hands still on her cheeks, I felt my thumb getting wet. She could not be consoled. I had tried it many a times but she was inconsolable. I kissed her forehead and and then kissed her cheeks. We had stayed away from each other all these days. She started sobbing uncontrollably now. I took her in my arms and hugged her tightly.

"I am sorry Siddharth. I know how much you wanted it. I failed you. I am sorry."

At that very moment, my eyes just welled up. I hugged her even tightly. I suddenly realised that I loved her so much. That one moment, I felt like a young lover who was willing to go against the world for his love.

"Anjali, lets adopt". It was something both of us had thought of but this was the moment that really made me feel that it was the right thing for her, for myself and for our future. She came out of the embrace and looked at me in the eyes. Her baby-like face all swollen up. She gave me a small peck on my lips, smiled and embraced me again.

We went back to the dining room. We had a low-lying table and we always ate sitting on the low lying cushions. The low hanging lamp giving enough light for us to come back to normal. We spoke, we laughed and went back to the balcony. I sat on the swing and she sat on my lap.

"Now that we are adopting, should we have a girl or a boy?", just hoping that she would say 'Girl'.

"We will call her Riya", she said. I smiled at her.

We caressed each other and under the clouded skies of Delhi, we made love.