Unaccustomed

Losing a loved one is not easy. This is dedicated to all the closed ones who passed away. You will always be remembered. Life will always remain an unaccustomed affair without you.

Nothing has changed with your going away,

The night brings about its darkness as always,

The moon still manages to illuminate the dark alleys.

The bend in the road,

Where you took a different turn,

Away from me is still there and I am still here,

I have never taken that path alone since,

I have tried not to look that way again.

Forsaken by you and deserted by shadows,

I have tread over splinters of the past,

On uncushioned bare feet,

There is loneliness outside and emptiness within.

V.V.Vikram

Angst

A piece inspired by a short story from the book 'One Amazing Thing'

Whenever I turn back and look,

You appear a bit of a stranger

A bit of a stranger I too.

We no longer stand where we stood once,

Neither is there a chance we will be together,

Nor is there any angst or remorse,

Yet you appear unhappy.

You were a spent moment in a spent relationship,

Tonight as the moon plays his melancholic tune,

A mere memory remains of the last time we walked,

Yet you seem to have lost your way.

V.V.Vikram

An Ode

This is an ode to the real women of India. The ones who sweat it out on the fields. The ones who keep their family together always. The ones who look beyond themselves every time. I salute you!

The fragrance of the soil in your hands,

You smear it like the sun with drops of rain,

Immense support that your lonely shoulders provide,

Under your shadow they all take a relieved sigh!

With your wooden flute you get the fireplace alive,

And with the hymn you ignite the spirit of life,

Somewhere in the fields your earring tinkers,

The sound of which keep your men going all night.

Soaked in the heat of the day,

Your skin becomes a tad little dark,

Like the last coal which burns just a little,

You provide the warmth to your family at night,

Theres a twinkle in your eyes, like the stars in the sky.

The winds bow down to you Oh! Lady of the house,

The seasons salute you with a smile,

The dust is your make-up,

So what, you are the like rivers that bring life.

It sound like a million shells when you heave,

There is a feather to every sorrow you grieve,

The dark cloud is like the kaajal on your face protecting you,

And you smear it like the sun with drops of rain.

V.V.Vikram

Square Zero

A piece written by a very close friend.

I lie under two gazes.

Introspections rising out of two kinds of love.

One comes with an insane sort of liberation.

Another that mirrors much of my soul.

But I will choose the security of order,

For how long will I stand on your love?

It's freeing foundation is but quicksand.

Your world but a blackhole draining my soul.

While I love that maddening freedom,

I look on, to walk towards that path of sanity.

I will look at myself the way he does.

I will get used to the way his hand caresses my skin.

I will learn to remember his smell in the place of your's.

I will grow into him, like I did into you.

For isn't much of love but a new habit you learn?

Bid me farewell now.

Let me go seek him; mirror his soul.

Maybe this is how far we were meant to go,

And leave trails of dust behind us

From our star-crossed destiny.

By-

Trinity Unlocked

Baat niklegi tho phir door talak jayegi

This is an attempted translation of one of my favorite Jagjit Singh's Ghazals. It is about a relationship that could not materialise. About two loved ones who could not get together because of external reasons. It is about how even though they love each other, they cannot carry on. It is about how the guy is telling the girl, be string and face the society boldly.

If the word is let out, it shall spread my dear,

People shall ask unnecessarily about your sorrow,

They shall also ask about your troubled self.

Fingers shall be raised at your dishevelled hair,

They shall glance suspiciously at the long gone years,

Your bangles too shall be joked about,

Even your trembling hands then shall be taunted at.

People are cruel, they shall taunt at every possible thing,

And somewhere in the taunts, I shall be mentioned too,

Do not give their words any significance my love,

Or your expression shall give it all away,

No matter what, do no argue or question,

Do not talk about me to them whatsoever,

Because if the word is let out, it shall spread my dear

V.V.Vikram

नासूर

In a relationship, theres always that one person who loves the other more. That one person is always willing to go any extent to keep the other happy....stupid fella.....but then its always an experience....the fact is the more hurt you are when things come to and end....the more stronger you become when you come over it.....

This is an ode to all those give all their heart and soul to their relationships...rest kindly buzz off ;)


नासूर
----

एक ख्वाहिश है अब की ज़िंदगी यूँ ही रहे,
इक दूरी सी रहे, दरमियाँ बना रहे,
एक सन्नाटा सा है हर मोड़ पे अब,
बस यूँही बसर, ज़िंदगी तन्हा सी रहे

ऐसा नही के तुम थे ही नही,
जब थे, तो बस तुम थे और कुछ था ही नही,
ना थे, तो ये अश्क रुकते थे नही,
अब बहना चाहें तो भी ये बहते नही.


एक वजूद है मेरा, जो भूला था तब,
तब तुमसे था सब, अब मुजसे हैं सब,
तुम नही हो अब और यहाँ,
अब मैं हूँ इस पूरे राह समा,

आगे बढ़ गये तुम जल्द ही सब भूलके,
हम भी भूले पर ज़रा ज़रा करके,
धीरे से भूले, हम अब नासूर हैं,
पर आप दिल के हाथों अब भी मजबूर हैं.

V.V.Vikram

Karma Sutra

To all who discriminate based on caste, creed or any other form of discrimination, you ignite the fire of rage and violence. Its a vicious circle because the fire never extinguishes

In the dark alleys of abuse and violence,

I have grown, watching it all, in shock and silence,

With loved ones gone now, I feel so lonely,

I have learnt to take it all, now things dont hurt me.

Dont gimme this bullshit bout cause and effect,

The guy with the trigger is the guy who is set,

I never meant to harm, but what did i get,

Karma is a bastard, you read about and forget.

I am a gangsta now, so what should i do,

I never meant to be one, life made me to,

I will kill them all if I really have to,

I find solace in revenge, yeah every moment I do.

V.V.Vikram

रहगुज़र (My 50th Post)

This is a special one. I started blogging in 2008 with the intention that I needed to have a concrete hobby on my CV. This is the 50th today and I am pretty happy that I have taken a liking to blogging. I have tried to bend towards the creative side in my posts and not blog the traditional way (experiences and opinions) and hence the 50th has taken a longer time.

I wondered what it should be...english poetry which was my usual stuff, a short story which i have begun to write off late or probably an experience. Then i realised that my 50th should be about what i write best..my hindi poetry and so this is an ode to all the ghazals i listened to since class 5th which have made me a huge fan of urdu and hindi nazms..a special thanks to my dad who always played quality music at home when i was young...my poetic sense truly comes from there...

तब मैं क्या था और अब मैं क्या हूँ,

तब जला था और अब धुंआ हूँ,

सब कम ही था और ग़म भी था,

पर इक मस्सर्रत थी जवां,

अब सुकून हैं, थम चुका हूँ,

उस जुस्तुजू को खो चुका हूँ.

जब चला मैं, जहाँ गया मैं,

हर कदम पे था रक़ीब,

अजनबी से इस शहर में,

अब मैं ही अपना रहनुमा हूँ.

रहगुज़र था, रहगुज़र सी थी मेरी बेचेनियाँ,

हर सफ़र में था जुनूं और हर सफ़र इक कहकशां,

एक इन्तेहा है ज़िन्दगी अब इस शहर में हर तलब,

काटों भरे इस शहर में, अब इक गुलिस्तान ढूंढता हूँ.

तनहाइयों में चल पड़ा था , सोचा की कल मिलेगी ज़िन्दगी,

शहरों की इन दलदलों में लेकिन दब रही है ज़िन्दगी,

सबको ही सब कुछ दिया, देने को अब क्या रह गया,

माँगा नहीं था आसमान, बस पूछ लेते हाल-ए-दिल,

अब भी खुद का सोचते हैं, कैसा शहर है सोचता हूँ.

--Vikram

Beyond

Sometimes I tend to stare beyond boundaries,
A sense of utopia prevails then,
For a moment or two to me,
It seems like I live the perfect life.

My thoughts then fly like a kite,
Not knowing to what extent they can go,
Unaware of what may happen next,
They guide themselves towards the unknown.

And then in a second I am back,
I find myself staring at a wall,
I try to look beyond again, but in vain,
The kite has been cut, it has gone down.

It sets in so deep, this loneliness,
It engulfs you like the quicksand,
It pulls you in so that you cannot see,
How shall I now stare beyond those boundaries?

V.V.Vikram

An Imbroglio...When life becomes a soap

First of all, apologies for the language in the story...cos its just that. This was written way way earlier and some of you may have read it prior. Cheers ;)





I know I have gone crazy. I have turned eccentric. But this is the way I want to be. At least for a while. This is how I want my life to be.Small thoughts. Shortsightedness. Impulsive decisions. Oh !! how much I have suffered.Or have I? Let callousness prevail.

I have no name. Well I do. But I do not want to reveal it. Why? My F@#$$ wish. Call me what you want. Arrogant B!@#$d. Son of a B$#@. I care the least today.I have a bunch of air tickets in my hand. I am off on this world tour. The POA is even more interesting. Around the world in 80 days. I am not kidding dood.The plan is just that. I am running away from the shitty lanes of Karol Bagh. I am no longer going to veer my konked up santro through the Delhi traffic. I am going to travel in Business class and stay in the best hotels. I saved all my life. So why the F@#$ should i compromise. I compromised all along.


About the trip. In the next 80 days I will be in China, Malaysia, Tokyo, Sydney, Chile, Brazil, Chicago, New York, London, France, Germany, Italy, Russia and back in India. Only the best places. I am not going to travel to shitty places like Africa and spoil my mood. I want to be ecstatic. The trip has been planned exactly for 80 days. Well I am going to repeat a Jules Verne. Actually I havent read the book. But what the heck, I will still repeat history. And oh yeah baby!! I am going to write a book on my experiences. So watch out Mr. Verne. So F@#$ my wife (well someone else has been doing that these days), F@#$$ my boss(trust me, that can happen..literally) and F@#$ that whore (even they need more than just an intercourse these days).



Long ago and yet not so long ago, I was Just a mediocre. An average guy with a happy married life and a decent job. At least I thought it was like that.

My wife turned out to be a S@#&
----------------------------------

An average looking woman, my wife, a homemaker, was a blessing in disguise. Unlike the trendy women of Delhi who cribbed about everything possible in the world and cried about equality at the end of every damn conversation, my wife was more practical and very caring. She cooked, watched soaps and did her night duties pretty well. But can people be so perfect?

Right out of the penthouse books, became the story of my married life. I returned home early one day to find my wife being bedded by my smart neighbour who was just out of college. When I caught her red-handed, I was heart broken. She wept and yet had the audacity to tell me that I was an average office going piece of shit whom she had never hoped to marry. She left for her mother's place soon. And I sent the divorce papers within a week.


My Boss just "loved" his subordinates
-------------------------------------

My boss was a very jovial man. He started the largest book store in Delhi. Soon it became a chain and he became a millionaire. I was the only guy who reported directly to him. So much was his dedication towards work that I cared the least about the grapevine that spoke crap about him.

When he heard about my divorce, he hugged me and consoled me. I found it a bit wierd but I just needed it at that time. He called me home for a drink that night. My boss was a widower and both his sons were in the USA. That night after a three rounds of drinking, I was sloshed. The pain and the betrayal had forced me to drink. My vision had blurred and the last thing i remember was my boss putting his arms around me. The morning was a revelation. I was sleeping next to him. I was naked. My boss was fast asleep and lay naked too. I was hurt, shattered and was amazed at how quickly things were happening.

In a dazed state i Just left his house. I put in my resignation in a week's time.

Even a Wh!@# wants love these days
------------------------------------

Life in a way had become tragic. I laughed at times at the way things were turning up. Yet most of the times I wept bitterly. I cursed God and wondered what I had done wrong. I was at home jobless. Then one day I decided to take a walk around connought place in the night. Thats where I bumped into a Wh@#$. She looked like one but she definitely had a grace. Like all of them, she slid a small piece of paper into my pocket. I called her that evening, unable to take the loneliness anymore.

We met often. I did what my wife had deprived me off in the last month and she did her job. We conversed a lot after those lovemaking sessions. It had been over a month now and I had not found a job. That is when life took another big turn. I had made her pregnant. I thought it was normal for her till she told me that she had feelings for me and wanted this child. I was flabbergasted. I abused her of using me and left the Wh@#$ house.

I had become extremely cranky and irritated when i decided that was time I be to myself. I spoke to my closed ones and they suggested that I take a break. It was then that I saw the funny adaptation of 'Around the world in 80 days' which starred Jackie cHan. What a fool?? It struck me that this was it. I had become mad and yet I wanted act like I was insane. I sat one whole day on the internet and planned a world tour that would last exactly 80 days.

Here I am today, at the airport of New Delhi. Am off to China.

V.V.Vikram

Life In Words

The post has been written with the thought that Life is like a game of scrabble. All of us are like individual letters who come together to form a word. Then slowly more words are formed around us and a journey begins and ends as the game gets over. A new journey begins again with a new game.


Many years earlier, I was a mere letter,
I was single and yearning to give meaning to life,
You were a letter too, leading your own life somewhere,
Then we came together to form a word.


As words formed around us, the game improved,
But soon the board became congested,
We became stagnant and so did our importance,
We realised we were now entrapped in our squares.


Then we were removed from our squares,
We were now placed in different ones,
There were empty squares now between us,
We now led different lives.


And then one day we bump into each other,
This time the words around form slow,
We spend more time and find new meanings,
We enjoy as we know the game shall end.


Then in one moment, the game ends,
I shall be picked out soon and so shall you,
But we shall meet again, so lets just smile,
We shall form a beautiful word again,
So we shall meet another time.


V.V.Vikram

A Wall At Harisava Street

The Harisava street comes alive on a sunday. For that an outsider would say that a Sunday is just an excuse for the Bengalis. But Harisava street is an exception. One of the darkest streets in Calcutta, the Harisava street is in Kidderpore.

Close to the port, Kidderpore historically was inhabited by the fisherman clan. Hence even today the street is mostly inhabited by the lower-middle and lower classes and not to mention the faint smell of dead fish throughout the day. The Harisava street has tall buildings which are no sky-scrapers but are the old chawls built for the british soldiers to rest. The buildings are so high that they cover the sun almost till noon and for the rest of the day a little after noon. And in
one such building lived Dibyendu Bhattacharya and Proloy.


The Vintage writer
--------------------

Dibyendu Bhattacharya looked out of the window, his hand held on to the rustry grill. He was waiting for the 'Jhalmudi' wala to come. Sundays was when he would come a little early than usual. Dibyendu coughed and cleared his throat. He had kept all the empty packets of milk under his bed and his writing table so that he wouldnt have to walk to the bathroom every time to spit the phlegm. He would spit in the empty packets and dispose them once a week.

The Jhalmudi wala arrived at the window. He mixed his spices to produce magic. That is what Dibyendu called him-'The Magician'. The Jhalmudi always tasted the same, not a pinch of spice less or more, just as Dibyendu wanted.

Dibyendu picked up the Telegraph. It pained him when he read through the paper. So much had changed about the paper in the last two decades.Dibyendu had retired as the editor-in-chief of the telegraph in 1988. Since then the standard of news had degraded and the sanctity of the media had been lost.

Dibyendu had not stopped writing though. He was known for his views on politics and his anthology of political essays was widely read and appreciated. Just as Dibyendu finished with his Jalmudi, the bell rang. It must be Joyeeta, his maid who had been with him and taken care of his since his wife had passed away.

As Dibyendu stood up, the bell rang again and then once more. It could not be Joyeeta then. She would wait for him to open the door. It was Proloy, Dibyendu's neighbour. Lean and Nimble, Proloy was the irritating neighbour of Dibyendu or at least that was what Dibyendu thought of him. The irritation had nothing to do with Proloy's attitude but it was to do with what Proloy and his generation stood for. It was something Dibyendu could not relate to and unfortunately every mannerism of Proloy's reflected that standpoint.The other unfortunate part for Dibyendu was that Proloy was a columnist in the Telegraph as well. He wrote a popular column for the youth, the content of which Dibyendu detested. He must have come to borrow a packet of milk, as always, thought Dibyendu.



The Gay Columnist
------------------

Proloy had been living in Kidderpore since he was born. He could not imagine himself living outside. Hence, after he became a columnist at Telegraph and started earning, he shifted within Kidderpore itself. He adored Harisava street and somehow Proloy felt that the darkness stimulated him to write. It was as though his creative stimulus reacted to the faint luminiscence than anything else.

Though there was one more reason to move. Since his childhood, Proloy was a loner. Both his parents were highly read and had a bent towards literature and there were no marks for guessing Proloy's professional bent. Yet, somehow Proloy was different. He would never go out and play and rather go out with his mom to buy clothes, vegetables and loved it when she bargained. He loved watching his mom putting on make up. He always felt that men were deprived of a lot when it came to fashion. As years passed by, Proloy realised that there was a woman inside him that yearned to get out but could not because of social stigmas
attached. Worst things happened when he hit upon guys and could not control it.

Revealing the same to his parents had caused a huge hue and cry. His mother was supportive but lost hope when she realised that it was not a passing phase. His dad had threatened him and told him that he should get out of the house.And that is what Proloy did. His columns gained popularity and he soon became one of the leading columnists in the Telegraph.

He was proud of it and hoped that his parents thought the same. Then one day, tragedy struck when he heard of his mother's death. His 'maa' was no more. He was shattered. For once he thought his 'baba' would call him back. It never happened.


A Birthday forgotten

--------------------

It was Proloy's birthday and he wanted to see his Baba once and get his blessings. Every year Proloy would go with a cup of Kheer to his Baba's house. His ears would yearn to hear a wish and his shoulders would warm up for a hug. The ego though was too huge and the shame too damning for his father. Today was yet another birthday and there was yet another hope. He rang the ball. He rang it twice and then again. The door opened. The disgruntled Dibyendu looked on.

"Eei samanya kichu apnar jono" (This is something for you), said Proloy. His father did not utter a word.

"I thought it was Joyeeta", said Dibyendu. "Hows is work and all?", he asked.

"Good. My columns are being appreciated by everyone", said Proloy.

"No heart and no soul. Your generation is about quick bytes and short cuts. They will never understand true writing", said

Dibyendu skeptically. "And by the way, how has the taker become the giver. What is this kheer for?".

"Have you forgotten Baba? Its my birthday today", said Proloy in a strangely innocent way.

Dibyendu stopped walking. It was his son's birthday and he had forgotten. His Tuktu's Birthday. Thats what he called him when he was young. Thats what he named him when he was born. His heart felt heavy. He turned around. He put his hand on his head and said, "Happy Birthday Son. Hope you have great year ahead."

Proloy was hoping he would say more but Dibyendu kept the kheer and did not say a word. Proloy understood and took leave. As the door closed behind him, he could feel his eyes turn misty. He wished things were normal. He wished his baba understood. He wished so much that his baba would call him back.

Dibyendu on the other side was experienceing the same. Pain, emotions, guilt. He wanted to forgive his son but somehow could not. He felt ashamed of his son for what he was and that ashamed him about himself.

Life had to move on. Inside the chawls of the Harisava street lived many Dibyendus and Proloys and yet the street looked and sounded ecstatic on a Sunday.

V.V.Vikram

To Ayesha...with love

The story is dedicated to all those women who are trapped by traditions and yet smile only to defy this world. It is also a message to women who undervalue the essence of freedom and love.


Dear Ayesha
I know this would be like a shock to you. Its been long since we last met. In fact, you would wonder right now as to how I managed to get your address. Thank or blame this technology age, I can even trace Hitler's address when he was a child. Something has propoelled me to write this one.Well,its more of guilt accompanied by a curioisty to know how you have been. That night when I hung up on you, it was probably one of the coldest days in London and I felt colder as the feeling, that I had let you down, wrapped around me. I’ve always been ashamed I didn’t speak to you, and this letter is an attempt to rid myself of that feeling.
I cant forget the day when I saw you at the swimming pool. You were with your friend, all gigglining and splashing the water at each oother. Jordan was not for bold women. You stood out. Your eyes spoke millions about the revolt you felt within as a modern women living within an orthodox country. I noticed you and I shall admit that it was lust at first sight. It was the skin I remember clearly and the droplets of water that clung to your skin. They shined under the sun creating an aura. You were clad in a yellow bikini and at the moment I really desired you Ayesha. I did not know the consequences then.
Jordan was a break away from the hectic schedules of life. Mr. Hamid along with Mr. Ali accompanied me to the hotel. They were my travel guides and had been arranged by my company, Some of the perks I "suffer" for beig in the the IT industry.
I saw you at the lounge of the Meridian in a while again and this time I could not resist. I came up to you and asked you your name. You smelt of liquour and you were high and still giggling about something. You looked at your friend and pronounced your name shyly with a typical arabic accent that really turned me on.
I went back to Mr. Hamid and told him that I had dinner plans. I told them that I was going out with you girls. He looked at me suspiciously and angrily both. "Who are these girls?", he asked. And then came a barrage of questions. Are they Jordanian? Are they students? How old are they? Give me their surnames.
I just let them know that it was none of their business. I just came out of there.

We decided to go for a drink, an activity which in my ignorance I assumed was acceptable for young people in that tourist town. We sat upstairs on a restaurant terrace and I ordered a beer. You asked for one too. The waiter, a young toughie with an adolescent moustache, shook his head and tutted. You and Maryam spoke sharply to him in Arabic. Reluctantly he brought bottles and glasses. See how we are living, you said. Even this guy thinks he can tell us what to do, how we should behave. In a while your hands rested on my leg and squeezed it. That look. I cannot forget that look. I wanted to make love to you that very moment. I just wished for a moment that the restaaurant was dested and I could lay you down on this table and make love to you on it. What had you done Ayesha?What had you done to me?

I noticed others staring coldly at us. I didn’t feel we were doing anything wrong, but I began to feel nervous, as if I were walking through customs or talking to a policeman. We chatted a little, finding out about each other. You told me you were twenty-one, studying literature. You wrote poetry. Your parents wanted you to get married to a banker, the son of family friends. Reading between the lines I realised you were a rich girl. Rich and bored. Then it all tumbled out, how you were sick of living in Amman, sick of being told who you could speak to and what to wear, sick of being called a prostitute just because you were having a conversation with a man. Is that what the waiter said, I asked. You shook your head angrily. He didn’t like it that Arab girls were with a foreigner. He didn’t like it that we were drinking alcohol. What did his honour have to do with anything? What business was it of his?
I sympathised with it all and yet I felt petrified somewhere within. But there was something about you Ayesha that made my heart feel warm. Your eyes. They twinkled irrespective of what you thought or did. It was like a sincere effort to be happy and gay all the time. It was like you tried all your best to keep the sadness hidden inside. Niceley and Tightly tucked. Yet I could see it.
Lets go and dance you said. You teased me saying that the british were a bunch of hags all born wih two left feet. It was again the same scene there. The guards had a constipated look again. They whispered to each other about your outfit and the look turned shameful. We danced till we could not anymore. You, I and Maryam finished an entire packet of Marlboro in a span of 30 mins.
Maryam decided to drive me back to my hotel. She drove as we lay cuddled behind, all sloshed. I kissed you fiercely and you reciprocated. Maryam turned a blind eye to all of it though I felt emabarassed at one point.
It was the next day that really turned it around. We walked all along athe beach, kicking sand at each other. We talked and talked. You said you hated that the world was inching towards a technological revolution. You thought it was alienating people from nature. For a moment I wanted to argue, but I let go. It was all so beautiful. You, the sea, the light around.
We returned to our room from the backdoors. I did not want Mr. Hamid to catch us both going into our room. It was then things changed. We kissed passionately. We had stripped each other of all clothes. It was when I pulled out the condom from my purse that I saw you expressions change. You asked me with surprise and fright whether I always roamed with one in my purse. You asked me how many women I had slept with. You asked me whether she was just one of my deals as usual. I was not ready for this. Somehow, then suddenly you yourself let go and called me towards yourself. But by then the damage had been done. The questions ashamed me. I was not serious about you and I realised that even though you were wild by nature, you yearned for love.
I asked you to wear your clothes and told you I could not do this. That is when you started crying and asked me if you were not good enough for me. I could never explain it to you. You left and left your number. The next day as I was leaving, I really thought you would come. you did not and it was over. I thought I had buried you Ayesha, somehwere deep in my heart. But after months the phone rang and it was you . Your voice asking me if I recognised it. I hung up.
I apologise Ayesha. I really do.
Love"You know who"

V.V.Vikram